'Why Midlife Women Are Afraid of the Word Alluring'
I said it in a room full of women and watched the reaction ripple across their faces.
Alluring.
Almost nobody liked it. The discomfort was instant, physical almost. And what
happened next became one of the most powerful conversations I have ever had about
women, identity and the right to be seen.
The word that stopped the room
We were working through the SNOB Outfit School framework — the foundations, the
modifiers, the language of personal style. I explained that modifier words are personal.
That the same word lands differently depending on your culture, your age, your
experience. That what feels magnetic to one woman might feel threatening to another.
And then we got to alluring.
Almost universally, the women in that room associated alluring with Marilyn Monroe.
Overtly sexual. A performance. Something done for someone else. Not one of them
wanted it for herself.
I asked them why.
What our mothers taught us without meaning to.
We were young women in the 1970s and 80s. We grew up in a world where women who
were victims of sexual attacks were told they were 'asking for it' — if their skirt was too
short, if they were too available, if they were too much.
Our mothers were young in the 50s and 60s. Fewer rights. Less voice. Less permission
to take up space.
Our grandmothers had even less.
This is not ancient history. This is the water we swam in. And whether we know it consciously or not, it shaped every decision we ever made about how much of ourselves to show. How much colour to wear. How much attention to invite.
"Only tarts wear red" We all know that
Reframing alluring
I asked them to try something. To set aside everything they had been taught and think
about what alluring actually meant — not Marilyn, not the male gaze, not danger.
Alluring as a feminine energy that is uniquely yours. The quality that made you magnetic
to the people who loved you. The version of yourself that lit up a room without trying.
The essence that is still there, still entirely yours, waiting to be reclaimed as part of your
renaissance.
Not for anyone else. For you.
And then I asked them to go and find something in the shop that felt alluring. No
pressure to buy. Just to try.
What happened next
Something shifted.
Women who had spent the first half of the evening reaching for navy, for black, for safe,
started pulling out coral. Rust. Deep red. Shades they would never normally touch.
One woman had her eye on a silk jumpsuit — deep V front, elegant, striking. She went
straight for the navy. I suggested she try the coral instead. Just try.
She needed permission. That’s what I gave her — not a sales pitch, just permission.
She tried it on. She smiled. She bought it.
A few days later I received this note:
“What a lovely fashion evening at SNOB.
My husband loves this which I would never
have worn without your encouragement.
Thank you for your energy and enthusiasm.”
Her husband loves it. But more importantly — she loves it. She just needed someone to
tell her she was allowed.
The question I want to leave you with
Would a woman in her twenties today have the same reaction to the word alluring?
I think not. The culture has shifted. The laws have changed. The conversation has
moved.
Which means the resistance so many of us feel is not about who we are. It is about when
we grew up. It is inherited, not innate.
You are allowed to be alluring. On your own terms, in your own way, in whatever colour
makes you feel most like yourself.
Red, if you want it - You always were
Emma Ranson Bellamy is the founder of SNOB, an independent fashion boutique
in Tiverton, Devon, and the creator of SNOB Outfit School — a methodology helping
midlife women rediscover their personal style.
www.ilovesnob.co.uk | @ilovesnob
